just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
