I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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