Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she told me i tasted like america
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
