My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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