I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Randomize
