I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
