There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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