Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
