The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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