Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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