Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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