1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize