Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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