I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
