The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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