You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
