Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
