I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
