After last night, I could never be a politician.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
