Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
