i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
