my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
