Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
