I'm so fucking centered right now
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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