Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
