Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
