I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
