You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
