You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
