I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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