I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize