i was born a porn star she said
Michael Bay diarrhea
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
