Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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