Your face is a jimmy john
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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