I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize