i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize