youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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