Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
