I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Got a toothbrush?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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