In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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