i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
