The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
