Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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