I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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