the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
