Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my phone needs a breathalizer
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
being pregnant is like rehab
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
