ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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