i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
