I can text with my tongue
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
