I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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