just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
