ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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