I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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