You made me cry and you don't even care
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
