I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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