I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize