You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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