Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
