if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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