Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
